April 2, 2011
The following is an entry from a journal I kept last year. This particular section was written while I was on my own, attending a retreat with a church called Soul Space up in the Yorkshire Dales [hills around Bradford].
April 2, 2011
Friday, 9:31 pm
"Parcevall Hall is beautiful. It's located in the Yorkshire Dales near Bolton Abbey.Even at night I can tell our surroundings will be spectacular. The Hall itself if fabulously beautiful: with it's low ceilings and wooden rafters setting the cozy ambience only an English cottage can. This place is exactly how I imagined England! There are Victorian paintings on every wall, and water colors of the Dales in every corner. We took a windy road to get here, and it was worth it...
We headed to the chapel tonight which is just down the hall from me. Barbara [the pastor] said to place down all the crafts we had made and slowly let go of any out side distractions. So, I closed my eyes and tried to focus on God. It started awkward and formal, like talking to a friend you haven't bothered contacting in a while. But then, slowly as I let my guard down, I began to meditate [that's really the only way I knew how to describe it]. I thought about how small I am in the big picture. I'm just one of 7 billion people in the world. Sometimes I can get so rapped up in my own head, I forget that. Then I thought about how hard faith is and yet here I am sitting in a room with people from literally all over the world, all trying to connect with the same creative energy we believe created the universe. And I started thinking about how incredible that is — humans, sharing a universal love for their creator. It was then I started letting go of baggage so I could be fully present this weekend. First I let go of all the shame, self criticism and vanity that hangs over my head every moment of every day. Then I let go of all the things in my life here [in Bradford]. I set down all the stress of our living situation and all the rest of my current reality's. After that, I asked God to come in and remove any little sin and clouded thinking which might be distracting me. Suddenly, something amazing happened! I began to pray fervently that God would fill me with an unconditional love for the world. I prayed She would saturate me in divine love. Love for the people here, at school, at home, love for Bethany and Marie. Love for myself and love for God. It became so overwhelming I almost started rocking in my sea of love. I asked God for a mystics spirit this week. An open soul so I could meet with Him. And then all I could say was, 'Amen! Amen! Amen! Amen! Let it be! Let it be! Let it be! Now and forever... Amen. '"
We headed to the chapel tonight which is just down the hall from me. Barbara [the pastor] said to place down all the crafts we had made and slowly let go of any out side distractions. So, I closed my eyes and tried to focus on God. It started awkward and formal, like talking to a friend you haven't bothered contacting in a while. But then, slowly as I let my guard down, I began to meditate [that's really the only way I knew how to describe it]. I thought about how small I am in the big picture. I'm just one of 7 billion people in the world. Sometimes I can get so rapped up in my own head, I forget that. Then I thought about how hard faith is and yet here I am sitting in a room with people from literally all over the world, all trying to connect with the same creative energy we believe created the universe. And I started thinking about how incredible that is — humans, sharing a universal love for their creator. It was then I started letting go of baggage so I could be fully present this weekend. First I let go of all the shame, self criticism and vanity that hangs over my head every moment of every day. Then I let go of all the things in my life here [in Bradford]. I set down all the stress of our living situation and all the rest of my current reality's. After that, I asked God to come in and remove any little sin and clouded thinking which might be distracting me. Suddenly, something amazing happened! I began to pray fervently that God would fill me with an unconditional love for the world. I prayed She would saturate me in divine love. Love for the people here, at school, at home, love for Bethany and Marie. Love for myself and love for God. It became so overwhelming I almost started rocking in my sea of love. I asked God for a mystics spirit this week. An open soul so I could meet with Him. And then all I could say was, 'Amen! Amen! Amen! Amen! Let it be! Let it be! Let it be! Now and forever... Amen. '"
I don't know why this memory came to mind today. But truly it is one of my favorite life moments. Something happened in that chaple which has never happened to me before, or since. I am convinced when I let myself go, the Holy Spirit took over and was praying through me. I have never been so filled with love — and for the entire world! For a second it all made sense: the resurrection, the interconnectedness of every person, and the love God has for us. In that moment I forgot about everything else I have ever wanted, because all I wanted was divine love for the world filling up every inch of me. Author Elizabeth Gilbert, who you may have realized I like to quote, said "ruin is the road to transformation. In other words, it is only when we stop trying to hold onto how things have always been, trying to control our own happiness, that we can let change happen. Transformation can happen.
"Ruin is the road to transformation"- I LOVE this!!!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this re-post of your blog. I have been praying for this for you for the past few days... God answers prayers... love mum
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